Being back in the United States, Report 1

It's very strange being back. I was able to get some perspective on my own habits while in China, and I've been grappling with changing them after coming back. Picking up working on the magazine, I've had to return to the habits I'd been used to before the trip, but not only re-acclimating, I've been trying to change those very same habits. Despite doing them, I've tried to see if variations improve the outcome. It's still a little exhausting and nerve-wracking. The comparison between my life in China and here is still fresh, and it's very odd to view things from the outside. I feel there are a lot of barriers I self-impose on myself, which I'd not really been aware of until I'd been to a place where my daily routines were quite different from what I'd been doing previously. I don't know why I adjusted in quite this manner, but I got up much earlier than I do while in the US, 6 AM versus 10 AM, without much difficulty, although I slept quite often in the middle of the day for hours, when I had no classes. Playing computer games at 6 PM on Wednesdays and Sundays was no longer a part of my normal schedule. Previously, those two duties restricted the rest of my week in when I could do something spontaneous. Although still following a weekday/weekend schedule, Saturdays always meant me getting out of the school, perhaps being taken to somewhere outside the city, always new experiences. For me at home, Saturday's when I can "plan" to do something with certainty, and Sundays are always when I have to be back home before 4 in order to host PvP and RBGs for my guild. Now, most things were unplanned.

Being back in the United States, it felt like those old routines were large rulers, lines, girders, which defined and described what I could do and when I could do them. Smaller, invisible lines, which I'd constructed for myself, further limited what I would be willing to do, when. The former could be changed if they were negative, or built around if they were positive, but the barriers I'd created for my own conscious had to be changed internally. So far, it's been about embracing the unusual, the non-routine, the spontaneous interaction and following it a bit. I guess I'm overly methodical to a fault. But that could be dealing with the occasional smoke now and then. <grins>

I'd been absent the herb for over a month and a half; I'd not smoked for several weeks since returning to the States. I'd abstained for that long for several reasons, and took it at a certain time because I've experienced quite potent visual effects and differences in thinking after either having lowered my tolerance for a while or having gone on a trip somewhere; the time spent somewhere else seemed to be condensed back into highly visual thought scenes in memory. Metaphorical and representative rather than what literally happened.

A principal example I remember from year's previous is having come back from Chicago. I'd been going to an expo at the Navy Pier, and I saw a scene where everywhere I'd been was interconnected like a line of me's, tracing back to the hotel, where I saw all the parts of the city likewise stringed along, although only including places which had been in my perception. Everywhere else was just blacked out, like a computer game on noclip. This was more literal, and one I had coming back from Arizona was more metaphorical. I feel the Chicago memory scene was an example of the fourth-dimension. At any rate, I'd been well-rewarded by periods of abstinence and travel combined, so I expected the same here.

The insights that had felt much clearer just after having come back are harder to sort out now. One thing, that I noticed even in China, was that the news sources in the US are manifestly negative and fear-causing, whether expressing correct or incorrect information. I can't really compare with other news services, but it seemed the state news in China was most concerned with keeping a populace harmonious rather than scared. Sure, it's partly due to the nature of the regime, but I also didn't feel an overhanging cloud of fear while in China, even while reading the sites I'd normally read back home.

This was fairly visceral upon coming back. I'd had fairly minimal negative thoughts while in China; back at home, it felt like I was flooded with them. Having a new outside perspective, I've tried to change or tweak the toxic habits, but it's slow going. Also, the news which was barbless in China now sinks home with sinking fangs. I change habits by imposing periods of abstention and thinking in novel fashions, but it's like fighting against the current now.

Getting used to herb's effects and trying to do new activities is a bit hard right now. Then again, this is only the second weekend after I first used it in over a month. Probably going to abstain during the week, occasionally during the weekend, switch it up, *but*, trying to find a routine that can accommodate a little of both sides. I think it's possible to take advantage of herb occasionally to good effect, and modify behaviors positively and initiating/embracing novel routines in the off-time of using it. Eventually, I'll be more acclimated to its social impact again.

One of the things I do here in the states but not so much in China was project desires. Although I was consciously trying to avoid doing it in China, it was also easier to do than here in the US. So, I didn't think of things I wanted to do, as much as I do here at any rate, and rather just went with the flow... which was often fairly relentless. <laughs> But welcomed.

Here, it's happening so frequently it feels automatic. I've been able to change and lower it somewhat, actually I've had pretty good success in doing things like whenever I'm projecting, just trying to not think and say no, no, that's not going to happen and don't think about it. But it's a slow process. Freeing up mental space in the future, i.e. not planning something for the weekend, is another exercise. Made a bit more difficult of course by simultaneously trying to get used to herb again.

I think I'm in a bit of shell-shock, honestly. I feel we're in a much more negative situation than in China, because of our government's policy choices being consistently aggressive to other nations and only favoring policies that empower or deregulate moneyed institutions. China has its problems, but aren't making them the same way the United States is. How do I live in a country where the government is the world's warmonger and couldn't care less about me in comparison to that lobbyist with tens of thousands behind him to influence a politician directly?